Post-Teenage Blues

I turned 20 yesterday. A day that should have been happy. A day that should have been great. Instead, I am hurt, tired, and haven't spoken to Caleb in over twenty four hours. i don't know what to do about it. it hurts. he hurts me. i'm tired of being angry, though. i told him a few weeks ago that if things didn't change soon, i couldn't be in the relationship anymore. i feel like i am getting closer and closer to that point.

texting that stupid girl
being rude
not talking
not wanting to come to my house.


i don't like him.

Finals......

i shouldn't be upset over such a trivial thing, but i really am. it's one thing to get your hair cut, but it's another to just completely steal your best friend's thunder. i was so excited about getting my hair cut and showing everyone, because I'd never done it before. and then she has to go and do the same thing, two days later. close enough to where no one notices mine and everyone notices hers. and i understand that hers is dramatic too, because her hair was so dad gum long, but my is a huge change from anything it has ever been and no one cared. i'm tired of it. she always has cute clothes, shoes, purses, everything. i don't like taking the backseat. i have always been the one with all of that but now everyone is always raving about her. and it upsets me. i just wanted to be it for a few minutes. the one everyone looks at. the one getting the compliments. but no one seemed to notice the amounts of hair that came off my head. sigh.

i also found out that my accounting final is going to be Friday, not Tuesday like i previously thought. stupid accounting. i literally HATE this class. i don't think i've ever hated a class this much. it makes me want to beat my head against the wall. but i guess the bright side is that i don't have as long to wait for it.....just not as long to study for it. which i can't concentrate on right now, because i also have a ton of other things to do: make sure i know my stuff for my presentation tomorrow, finish writing an eight page paper, take a step aerobics final, find the time to write a two page paper for accounting, study for a history final, do my english final sometime between friday and tuesday.......and finish these blogs before monday (i think). i'm not sure when that is actually. so now i have tuesday and wednesday to do this paper and study for an accounting final that is going to span 11 chapters. so yeah. i am not looking forward to this. but i think i am going to drop all of my summer classes so i can actually rest. and not waste anymore hope hours.

The Heart Knows What It Wants

I was officially accepted by UGA today. I got my letter in the mail this afternoon, around 3:00. The problem is that I still have no idea what to do with the rest of my life. I love history, but I am starting to second-guess my choice of it as a major. I missed a day of history class last week, and I now I feel horribly behind. I am having trouble remembering the stuff we have gone over, which is bad because I SHOULD be able to remember and I have an exam in just a little over a week and I NEED to remember!

If I can't remember little pieces of history, like which Chinese Dynasty invented gunpowder, how in the world am I supposed to remember the bigger and more in depth things I'll be learning at the upper division levels of history courses?

I just don't know where my head is right now. I've been questioning everything about my life for the past few months. Where to go to college, what to do with my life, why I'm not trying to do what I really love, if I really do love Caleb, if I'm just fooling myself with everything I've been doing.

I think that is really the heart of my problem. My heart is confused. We have been fighting so much lately and I just can't figure out if I still believe we should be together. I get down, and he doesn't understand and I don't want to hurt him. I love him, but I feel so disconnected from him. Maybe it's because we never spend time together. Maybe I want to be wanted back. I feel so down though. I can't get back to how happy I was. We used to be so good together. Now, I am amazed when we get through a day without fighting. Love shouldn't be like that! I should be willing to give my heart over but something has been holding me back lately. Maybe it's the fact that we're heading off to different schools, possibly hours away from each other. We already see so little of each other, though. My heart hurts. I miss who I used to be, who WE used to be. And I don't know if I'll ever get those people back. I know people change as they grow, but I guess I'm just afraid as we have both grown, we have grown so far apart that we might not ever get each other back.