The Heart Knows What It Wants

I was officially accepted by UGA today. I got my letter in the mail this afternoon, around 3:00. The problem is that I still have no idea what to do with the rest of my life. I love history, but I am starting to second-guess my choice of it as a major. I missed a day of history class last week, and I now I feel horribly behind. I am having trouble remembering the stuff we have gone over, which is bad because I SHOULD be able to remember and I have an exam in just a little over a week and I NEED to remember!

If I can't remember little pieces of history, like which Chinese Dynasty invented gunpowder, how in the world am I supposed to remember the bigger and more in depth things I'll be learning at the upper division levels of history courses?

I just don't know where my head is right now. I've been questioning everything about my life for the past few months. Where to go to college, what to do with my life, why I'm not trying to do what I really love, if I really do love Caleb, if I'm just fooling myself with everything I've been doing.

I think that is really the heart of my problem. My heart is confused. We have been fighting so much lately and I just can't figure out if I still believe we should be together. I get down, and he doesn't understand and I don't want to hurt him. I love him, but I feel so disconnected from him. Maybe it's because we never spend time together. Maybe I want to be wanted back. I feel so down though. I can't get back to how happy I was. We used to be so good together. Now, I am amazed when we get through a day without fighting. Love shouldn't be like that! I should be willing to give my heart over but something has been holding me back lately. Maybe it's the fact that we're heading off to different schools, possibly hours away from each other. We already see so little of each other, though. My heart hurts. I miss who I used to be, who WE used to be. And I don't know if I'll ever get those people back. I know people change as they grow, but I guess I'm just afraid as we have both grown, we have grown so far apart that we might not ever get each other back.