Finals......

i shouldn't be upset over such a trivial thing, but i really am. it's one thing to get your hair cut, but it's another to just completely steal your best friend's thunder. i was so excited about getting my hair cut and showing everyone, because I'd never done it before. and then she has to go and do the same thing, two days later. close enough to where no one notices mine and everyone notices hers. and i understand that hers is dramatic too, because her hair was so dad gum long, but my is a huge change from anything it has ever been and no one cared. i'm tired of it. she always has cute clothes, shoes, purses, everything. i don't like taking the backseat. i have always been the one with all of that but now everyone is always raving about her. and it upsets me. i just wanted to be it for a few minutes. the one everyone looks at. the one getting the compliments. but no one seemed to notice the amounts of hair that came off my head. sigh.

i also found out that my accounting final is going to be Friday, not Tuesday like i previously thought. stupid accounting. i literally HATE this class. i don't think i've ever hated a class this much. it makes me want to beat my head against the wall. but i guess the bright side is that i don't have as long to wait for it.....just not as long to study for it. which i can't concentrate on right now, because i also have a ton of other things to do: make sure i know my stuff for my presentation tomorrow, finish writing an eight page paper, take a step aerobics final, find the time to write a two page paper for accounting, study for a history final, do my english final sometime between friday and tuesday.......and finish these blogs before monday (i think). i'm not sure when that is actually. so now i have tuesday and wednesday to do this paper and study for an accounting final that is going to span 11 chapters. so yeah. i am not looking forward to this. but i think i am going to drop all of my summer classes so i can actually rest. and not waste anymore hope hours.

The Heart Knows What It Wants

I was officially accepted by UGA today. I got my letter in the mail this afternoon, around 3:00. The problem is that I still have no idea what to do with the rest of my life. I love history, but I am starting to second-guess my choice of it as a major. I missed a day of history class last week, and I now I feel horribly behind. I am having trouble remembering the stuff we have gone over, which is bad because I SHOULD be able to remember and I have an exam in just a little over a week and I NEED to remember!

If I can't remember little pieces of history, like which Chinese Dynasty invented gunpowder, how in the world am I supposed to remember the bigger and more in depth things I'll be learning at the upper division levels of history courses?

I just don't know where my head is right now. I've been questioning everything about my life for the past few months. Where to go to college, what to do with my life, why I'm not trying to do what I really love, if I really do love Caleb, if I'm just fooling myself with everything I've been doing.

I think that is really the heart of my problem. My heart is confused. We have been fighting so much lately and I just can't figure out if I still believe we should be together. I get down, and he doesn't understand and I don't want to hurt him. I love him, but I feel so disconnected from him. Maybe it's because we never spend time together. Maybe I want to be wanted back. I feel so down though. I can't get back to how happy I was. We used to be so good together. Now, I am amazed when we get through a day without fighting. Love shouldn't be like that! I should be willing to give my heart over but something has been holding me back lately. Maybe it's the fact that we're heading off to different schools, possibly hours away from each other. We already see so little of each other, though. My heart hurts. I miss who I used to be, who WE used to be. And I don't know if I'll ever get those people back. I know people change as they grow, but I guess I'm just afraid as we have both grown, we have grown so far apart that we might not ever get each other back.

Where Shopping Is A Pleasure.....

There's something I love about buying clothes. I'm not sure what the draw is for me, but when I walk into some of my favorite stores I always tend to find something I want.

Today, for example, I went to the mall. I wasn't really planning on buying anything, but I walked into a store to browse, and ended up with six items in the dressing room: three dresses and three skirts. Of course, I loved three out of the six.....but I had to make a decision! I knew I didn't want all of them, because two were the same color. I made a fairly quick decision, and went on my way. Because it was a favorite store of mine, I had a discount card for 10% off my purchase. I ended up spending almost 30 dollars- not too much, but definitely more than I planned on beforehand.

What is it about a cute new outfit? I love buying clothes. It may seem shallow, but I'm very much into fashion. Working at a scrub store and having a P.E. class every day doesn't leave much room for wearing real clothes, so I have to squeeze whatever I can into my weekends; also, incidentally, the only time I have to actually go shopping.

I've thought many times about parlaying my interest in clothing into a career. We have sales reps that come to our store every season, selling new collections. They travel all over their area of the country, going from store to store, showing samples and taking orders. Some of them also have a hand in naming some of the prints.

I haven't really gotten far in this train of thought. I think it would be an interesting career, but I guess I'm not quite sure if I'm ready to give up the choices that will ensure me a job. People always need writers and historians! Not so sure about these kinds of sales reps.

I entertain this idea every once in a while, never coming to an actually decision. I guess for now I'll stick with just being a consumer in the market, as opposed to some executive who sells instead of buys.

Paper Stresses

I have been stressing all day over this upcoming paper. It is so much easier, in my opinion, to have a topic given to me, rather than come up with one myself. So, after we were given the assignment, I began to obsess about a topic. I wanted to have to paper done by tonight so I could email it for comments. It hasn't worked well for me.

I have started exactly five different papers, all on different subjects. The first one was actually a really deep, very personal essay, mainly about decisions that have to made by myself and others. It also dealt with things about college that I consider myths, and my truths about them.

The next one was about my job. Basically, it is about how much I love it. I talk about how I got the job, why I took it, and how it has changed my life and my future.

The third one was about this horribly embarrassing moment I had a couple years ago, on a date with Caleb. Not the greatest topic, but I thought it might be funny. It wasn't to me at the time, of course, but now......no, it's still not funny to me. He, on the other hand, thought it was hilarious. I was mortified beyond belief. And I ruined a perfectly good shirt in the process.

The next one was about myself and my schoolwork. It centers around my accounting class, and how badly I want to have an 'A'. How much difficulty I am having accomplishing that (if anyone is awesome at accounting, let me know ASAP).

I finally settled on my fifth and final topic, which I won't reveal because we are probably going to have to read each other's later and I don't want to spoil it. I find it to be a very interesting story, and I hope other people think so. It covers a major span of the past two years, but I'm glad that the experience is finally over. AND I'm glad that I actually found something to write about.

I've been writing on this paper ALL day. Well, not all day. I didn't actually start on it until after five. I was having terrible writer's block. As of right now, a little before ten, I have almost 1500 words. Maybe a little too long, but it's almost done. I'm so close to the end, I can taste it! I probably won't finish it tonight, because I would like to sleep considering we have an 8AM class tomorrow, but at least I am very close. And that is a huge relief to me. Now I can relax a little bit, and it's a wonderful thing.

Now the only thing I have to stress about is my accounting class.

4/20/08

Sick as a Dog, But Not as Rested as One

I have been sick for four days. It all culminated yesterday morning when I woke up early for work. My throat HURT. Badly. I couldn't do anything about it though- I had to go to work. Obviously, working in a retail shop means that I have to talk to people. So, from nine to five, I was talking to customers and coworkers with my sore throat.

Unfortunately, last night was also the night my family went out to eat for my father's and uncle's birthdays. The entire two hours were spent with me agonizing over my throat and swollen nodes. We finally got done eating, but I couldn't go home yet. I had to take Caleb home first. He lives in Lee County, and I live in Worth County. His car is a little under the weather, so I had to go pick him up, then take him home after we finished eating.

I finally got home about 9:45 last night, happy to be able to crash on my couch. I went to sleep less than an hour later, realizing just a few minutes ago that I went to bed so early that I completely missed Saturday Night Live. I took some medicine, so I was completely out of it until about 11:30 this morning.

I absolutely hate being sick. I took a nap this afternoon- not a very restful one. Now I'm sitting here on my couch (watching Monk) and looking at my dog, who was sound asleep until a few seconds ago. He can fall asleep easily, and stay asleep a long time. I wish I could be like that! It must be nice to just be able to sleep all day. Even though I've been home all day, "resting," my sleeping has been nothing like that. I've had all of the things I need to do on my mind- make sure my paper is finished, do this blog, a writing assignment for my history class, read for British Lit....some of which I still haven't finished. But I think I'm done with all of it for now. I may have things to do, but, after all, I am still sick.

4/16/08

The Art of Present-Buying

Today is my dad's birthday. It comes exactly one week and one day after my parent's anniversary, which was last Thursday. I decided to be a good daughter and try to buy them a present last week. After running around for two days, I ended up with a candle for my mom, a movie for my dad, and chocolate covered strawberries for me- I mean, for the two of them to share.

My dad is an extremely hard person to buy things for. He doesn't need anything. He doesn't wear ties, the normal go-to present for a dad. He wears suits to work, doesn't own a pair of jeans, only wears three different pairs of shoes, and has a trusty old wallet. We have nice TVs, a DVD recorded that we got him for Father's Day, and countless other presents that you buy for the people who have everything.

I didn't really have time to go shop for him a present this week, so my mom and I decided to get something a little bigger and just go in it together. At first, she was looking at a Blackberry Pearl. He works at the Marine Base, and he goes on trips a lot. The only laptop we have is mine, and, since I need it for school, he usually doesn't have a computer with him. She thought it would be useful on his trips and just good to have. She changed her mind, though, after going to the Alltel store and finding out that it cost $45 a month to be able to get on the internet. As of now, she has decided to go back to MY first suggestion in this category: an Ipod Touch. It can get on WiFi, you can listen to music.....it's basically the next best thing to having an Iphone (only the coolest thing ever).

So here it is, after 8 pm on his birthday, and I assume she is on her way home after purchasing this very expensive gift. I'm not sure if he'll actually like it or not. He's not the biggest gadget-geek I know! I did, however, make a deal with my mom: if HE doesn't like it, I'LL take it. And my dad and I are just sitting here, waiting. Maybe she'll be here soon! In the meantime, I believe I will work on my poker paper and think about all the fun things I can do with the Ipod touch if it ends up being mine!

4/11/08

Sleep is Coming

It's only a little after nine and I'm already planning on going to sleep soon. I'm not sure why I'm so tired, but there it is.

I didn't go to sleep until about one thirty on Wednesday night. Last night, I went for my weekly poker game. I planned on staying until around 10 so I'd get home at about 10:30 and could study for my history test until 11:30. That plan didn't work out too well. My friend, Sara, was one of the final two people left in the game, and it was only her second week of playing. I stayed as long as I could to see if she would win. I ended up leaving at 10:40, and found out this morning that she eventually lost the game around 11. When I got home, I still had to study, so I ended up going to sleep after midnight, again. Then I had to get up early, study some more for my test, and then go to work.

So here I sit, exhausted and practically falling asleep on my couch. I know, though, when I do get into bed, I will stay awake for much longer than I want to. I began to wonder earlier today if I have a sleeping disorder. I read an article about this guy that has a type of disorder where, even when his body is tired, his mind won't stop for him to sleep. I DO THAT ALL THE TIME! Maybe I'm just being a hypochondriac, which is nothing new, but it's possible! We'll see later tonight- although I might be so exhausted by that time that my mind just shuts off completely. Lucky for me, I don't have to work tomorrow and it is supposed to rain....perfect sleep conditions! Cause after I actually get to sleep, I stay asleep!